Mrs. Claus sends me to the Bermuda Triangle of Big Box Hell

Last night after feeding the little elves and the reindeer, brushing their teeth (elves not reindeer), and doing the dishes I noticed Mrs. Claus had kindly left me a to do list.

Santa please buy the following:

thingy to connect i-pod to stereo
2 strands of white tree lights
1 exterior extension cord
3 interior extension cords
1 pharmacy bulb

A quick look at the list told me all I need to know—I would be taking the sled to Big Box Hell. The first item was clearly a Best Buy purchase, the lighting would be a trip to the Orange nightmare of Home Depot, and in between I would hit Whole Foods for some frozen yogurt for Santa because Mrs. Claus has thrown out all sugar in an attempt to help Mr. Claus keep his weight down in his old age.

So on Dasser on Subru into the ice storm we drive. A quick trip took me to the Best Buy-Whole Foods parking lot. First I went into Best Buy where I discovered almost no shoppers but many sales people. I grabbed the first one I saw and asked where I could buy an RCA-MP3 connector cable. I got a perplexed look. I tried again with Mrs. Claus’s more technical spec—“ya gotta thingy that connects an ipod to a stereo”. That got a “yea I think so.” We turned around to the rack behind us which after 5 minutes of searching did not have the connector thingy. We then went to a different section of the store and looked at some more thingys but did not find the right thingy. We then called two other employees and went to the TV area where we also did not find the right thingy. Finally a 4th employee was able to lead us back to the second location of my trip through Best Buy hell and found the correct thingy –labeled RCA-MP3 connector by the way.

Crossing off the first item on my list cost $15 dollars, took 15 minutes of time, a ¼ mile stroll around the store and the help (??) of 4 employees. Thank Santa they were not busy.

Next a short walk to Whole Foods to buy some frozen yogurt to have as a reward post shopping. I found the frozen yogurt no problem. Went to the check out line. Very long line but the manger was checking folks out at her desk. Snuck over and got in line behind one person who was even mindful enough to reuse a Whole Foods bag for a 10 cent credit. Then came the question—do you want the credit applied to your bill or should we give the money to Pancreatic cancer research? Why should Whole Foods get to determine which charities I support? Just give me the 10 cents and let me decide which charities I want to support. And while you are at it if you really want to support being green don’t give 10 cent credits per bag. Make it a buck. Bet everyone would bring in their own bags. So any how then it was my turn and the manager asked if the frozen yogurt was any good. I said it was. She said maybe she would have to try it, but in general she doesn’t like to eat the healthy food that Whole Foods sells because it doesn’t taste good. In particular she doesn’t like all those fruits and veggies. I wished her good night and promised her Santa would deliver nothing but transfats to her for x-mas. She was relieved.

Ok. I had my reward for successful shopping in hand. Now I just had to survive the deepest darkest corner of the Bermuda Triangle of Big Box Hell—Home Depot.

List in hand I strode in with confidence and went to the lighting area. After much searching I found that they did indeed sell pharmacy bulbs. They only had one choice, but as luck would have it, it was the right one.

Next after searching for 10 minutes I found someone to direct me to X-mas lighting hell. In 1,000 square feet they had everything you could want to light your house. Except for white bulbs. “Sorry sir, sold out of those”. And the smallest outside extension cord they had was 50 feet for 24 dollars. And the smallest inside one was 12 feet for 10 bucks. I took a pass. I almost dropped the pharmacy light bulb and fled but figured checking off one item is better than nothing. So I went to the check out area and waited in line to self check out.

I fled the store $5 and 20 minutes poorer. And upon getting home discovered the bulb didn’t work.

There is another Home Depot about 2 miles away which typically has a poorer selection, but I didn’t want to face Mrs. Claus with an incomplete list. At this point the ice was building up pretty bad on the sleigh, but in a moment of brilliance I remember that the local grocery store had a pretty good hardware isle and carried seasonal stuff. So off I went to Lincoln Park Market. This is not a chain, just a mom and pop grocery store. And there where all the extension cords I could ask for, 4 types of pharmacy lights, and white x-mas lights. All easy to find. And all prices 20—50% less than Home Depot.

Total cost $29 and 6 minutes.

List complete I skidded home in the freezing rain. Chowed some Cookies and Cream frozen yogurt under the disapproving stare of Mrs. Claus and thought---

Big Box stores you wonder why you are in trouble (aside from the economy of course)—maybe you need to employee better people, train people better, price competitively and manage your supply chain better. How can my local grocer charge less than Home Depot? How can it take 4 employees 10 minutes to find an ipod connector thingy? How can a manger at Whole Foods be so honest as to say she doesn’t like healthy food? Why would anyone go to these stores to pay what turns out to be a premium price for crap service from clueless staff, in a cavernous store which likely doesn’t have or can’t locate the item you want? Santa is gonna stick with the Internet and mom and pop stores for any more items that Mrs. Claus sneaks on his list.

Tomorrow Sam Zell gets coal in his stocking (yea he took the Tribune to bankruptcy).